• Tori Owens

Dating As A Single Mom


What’s it like trying to date as a single Mommy? It’s nearly impossible that’s what ! For me , there’s an added pressure. For as long as I can remember I’ve been in a relationship. I was always “the girlfriend” or back in my naive years it was called “the main chick”. I know what you’re wondering though...well didn’t you have to date before you became the girlfriend ? The answer is “not really”. I’m a pretty cool laid back chick. So a friend usually just turned into a relationship with no warning lol. I’m now 27 years old tho and never really had the chance to date freely like I currently do. You know , dinner with Manny on Monday ; brunch with Bryson on Tuesday ; top golf with Terry on Wednesday. I lived through my homegirls flirty little stories on the phone and that was about it. That was my excitement in that department. Here I am able to date whom ever, whenever for the first time in my life but, I now have a toddler. The universe sure can play a dirty little game sometimes lol. So how the hell does a girl fully engaged with the development of her child , working a 9-5, running her own business plus maintaining three side hustles have the time to date ? Plainly put, I don’t. Or, is that my subconscious telling me I don’t have the time because my heart is still buried in hurt and insecurity from my previous failed relationship ? That question was rhetorical mama. The truth is , single parents (Mother’s eapecially) will convince themselves that they don’t have time to date because of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of getting hurt again. Fear of missing moments with their child. And quite frankly, fear of just plain out wasting their damn time. I get it. That’s a natural feeling. But in order to change your reality, you have to change your way of thinking. Let me counterattack all of those fears. Fear of rejection.

Rejection is going to happen in your life. You must accept that rejection is necessary for growth in all aspects of your life whether it’s with a job, a lover, a frenemy or even your own child. Rejection forces you to reevaluate yourself, which is always a good thing. Through self evaluation you may come to terms with certain qualities about yourself you didn’t know existed. Fear of getting hurt again This is what every broken heart fears the most. Just like rejection , hurt is also necessary. It makes you stronger. It makes you smarter. I remember my mother telling me not to ride my bike with no hands as a kid. And just like a kid, I did it anyway. Well, I damn near broke my arm when I flipped over a railing. Needless to say, I never wanted to feel that pain again. I still rode my bike, but I didn’t ride with no hands.. Think about that metaphor sis. I just dropped a major gem. Fear of missing moments with your child. Honey listen, having a child does not mean dedicate every minute, every second of your life to your child. Mama gotta have a life too! I had to get in the mindframe that as long as my baby is happy , healthy , well taken care of , and knows Mommy loves her...that that’s all that matters. There are times when it counts, like those late night cuddles, those stomach hurting tickle sessions, or that pivotal moment she gets a boo boo and wants Mommy to kiss it. Being there when it’s important is what your child will remember. So slipping out after bedtime here and there to mix and mingle won’t hurt. After all, there’s some unspoken rule that all the Grammies, Nana’s and GiGi’s are required to relieve you every now and then lol. I don’t know about you but, my parents kidnap my child and force me out because I tend to get so wrapped up in my schedule. Take advantage of the village you have. Fear of wasting your damn time. I think this has been my biggest fear. I’ve been on about three dates since I had my daughter. Let me tell you, they were all dates from hell. Date 1 lasted all of 30 minutes. All he talked about was how good he was in bed, how his swing game makes women crazy. “Uh waiter ...CHECK PLEASE!” I blocked that fool so damn fast ! All I could think about on my way home was what else I could’ve did with that 30 minutes of my life. But you know why I still appreciated that experience for what it was ? It made me realize I needed to raise my standards. Now I require a certain approach before I’ll even converse with a man. Now that I have a clear understanding of what I require in a man, I can weed out the weirdos like Date 1,2,and 3 lol. They say dating a single mother is “too hard” or she requires too much. I’m not mad about that anymore. They’re right. We do require more. Why ? Because once you step into motherhood you acquire this particular sense of self that can’t be acquired any other way than through the experience of giving life. I mean HELLO , we made HUMANS for goodness sake. You damn right we require more. So you know what I say to those type of men ? GET WITH IT OR MOVE OUT THE WAY. I need a leader who possesses what I lack so that my daughter can witness how she should be treated. And that’s ...a Queen.