My Reflections Of My First Year In Motherhood
Wow! Where do I even begin? This year has been nothing short of amazing. My first year in motherhood has produced laughter, cries, surprises, and a host of other emotions that just bring me to tears just thinking about them. There’s been some accomplishments and yes…some failures. Nonetheless, today my baby girl turns the big ONE and I couldn’t help but reflect as I stare at her sleep…sipping my wine of course.
When I first found out I was pregnant I almost had no emotion. It couldn’t have come at a worse time, so I thought. Me and her father had been together for about 6 years and at the cusp of our breakup, Bailey made her first appearance a week later. If I’m being honest, I didn’t think this would be a successful pregnancy seeing as though I had miscarried twice before. In addition to that, how do I tell the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with a week after we split, that I was carrying his first child? Yea…it was a tough pill to swallow. (sips wine)
Here we are though, I made it past the possibility of miscarriage. I heard her heartbeat for the first time. So, you mean there’s really a human growing inside my body right now? This is what I’m thinking when the doctor explains to me her beats per minute were healthier than ever. It became even more surreal when she asked if I wanted to take a blood test and find out the sex early.
It’s a GIRL! A little me…the QUEEN in me….literally! For years I would beg God to never give me a girl. I didn’t want to experience anything like myself. Who really wants to teach another woman how to use a tampon? I never wanted to pick someone I loved up from a heartbreak either because let’s face it, I’m still trying to figure that out myself. However, my path was already written and I had no choice but to walk it.
Now let me clarify the tone up in this piece (sips wine). I have always dreamed of being a mother since I was a kid. It’s what my body was created to do. To be the portal between spirit and life is a blessing that I rock well and proudly! To me, there is nothing more powerful on this planet than the power within the woman. No shade to the men, because yes, we do need you, but my faith that a man can do it like we do is slim to none!
So now here I am, 6 months pregnant, shut off from the world as I prepare myself mentally for one of the hardest, yet most rewarding, obstacles I would ever face. Unfortunately, I did not have the moral or
financial support from her father during my entire pregnancy. In fact, if there was an award for the most morally unsupportive baby fava (in my Cardi B voice), he would’ve won it! (sips wine) Now this is not to bash him in any way. In present time, he is an excellent father to my child and showers her with an oversupply of love. If you’re reading this Dom, thank you! Thank you for all the kisses you lay on her cheek daily. Thank you for all the sleepless nights you shared with me before she slept through the night. Thank you for protecting her when I’m not there. Thank you for speaking life and prosperity into her every day. I couldn’t imagine how hard this would’ve been without you! Co-parenting is by far harder than I could’ve ever imagined. I’ve cursed him (amongst a host of other things we won’t mention here…sips wine) but that never stopped him from being a good father. I think once you just accept the fact that you’re connected to this partner for the rest of your life no matter what, you tend to move slowly into a place of peace. Now, I won’t say we got it all together right now either, but I will say we are moving in the right direction.
41 weeks pregnant, 1 epidural, three inductions (yes, I said THREE), and 1 C-section later, Bailey P. is born weighing 7 pounds 16 ounces at 7:20 pm on September 14th, 2016. The first thing I told my child’s father before he handed me my child was not to mess up my eyebrows lol! You guessed it, I was that mom! It was like I spent 9 months preparing to meet this person and I wanted to be just as perfect for her as I knew she would be for me. Little did I know, in her eyes I was already perfect before we even met, and vice versa. When I held her for the first time, I felt so alive. It was a rush, a high even, that nothing on earth could compare to. From that moment on I took on motherhood like a boss!
MY MOST CHALLENGING MOMENT
Going back to work and sending her to daycare. The fear that nobody else on this planet would love her like me was overwhelming I must say.
MY HAPPIEST MEMORY
The day she said ‘Love You’
MY BIGGEST #MOMFAIL
Keeping my child away from her father out of spite. Not proud of that, but I’m being honest here.
MY FUNNIEST MEMORY
The first time she heard a vacuum and ran for dear life lol
MY MOST DEFINING MOMENT (kinda)
Carrying my child, five bags of groceries and a diaper bag up three flights of stairs. (Say what you want, but I felt so accomplished lol)
Motherhood isn’t easy, I’ll say that. It’s constantly a game of “just figure it out” However the key to motherhood is not doing it perfectly, that doesn’t exist. The real #MajorKeyAlert (in my finest Dj Khaled voice) is about building a bond with this tiny human YOU created that is unbreakable and ensuring your child has the necessary teachings to live a prosperous life. When you sit and doubt yourself because you forgot to take the meat out three days in a row for dinner , or you’re too tired to give them a bath, or you were late to work because your sick baby kept you up all night….just know that YOU GOT THIS and none of that shit matters! Every day is a new opportunity to get better…hell to BE better. And that in itself will always be a blessing.